Marriage is changing me
Before I walked down the aisle and into one of the most life-changing journeys of my existence thus far, I never once actually considered the magnitude of what I was signing up for. I thought college had been hard, having roommates sometimes proved difficult, and working in teams a challenge. In highschool, I thought sharing my bathroom space with my older sisters took strength. I also thought my experience with past relationships made me qualified for the job.
What I did not know, however, is that marriage itself is like an emotional bootcamp for the soul. I do not think this is a bad thing- because boot camp can be looked at as a tough journey full of end rewards, which is exactly how I view my marriage.
I have been married for {almost} two years. We moved in together a little over a year before our wedding. We had our son about 6 months before we moved in together. In a way, I thought a lot of our relationship has roughly been a marriage. Walking in to my marriage I felt prepared. I thought that since we were basically already married, nothing would change. I now see how ignorant I was to the unity that marriage brings, and how much it does alter your relationship once the vows are read and paperwork binds you both together into “marital bliss”.
“If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it.. the hard is what makes it great.”
I believe, in the age of social media- that we are forced to believe that there are couples out there that are absolutely perfect. No, I don’t post every argument my husband and I have on facebook- but I also don’t pretend to be something we are not. What are we? Two imperfect people who have built a solid foundation in our marriage- one that we work hard on every single day and do our best not to neglect it.
This week, I want to share with you the ways in which marriage has changed, and is continuing to change me as a person. I am sharing the honest truth, because I never like to be fake about anything- because hiding the struggle also hides the strength and greatness of life’s journey. I hope by sharing this in an honest and raw way, that you will be able to relate, and relax, in knowing that no single person or person is perfect and that we all have to alter ourselves in different ways for the one we love- and maybe you share some of this same challenges, silly or serious, as well.
- I’m perfect. He’s not.
My husband will probably be the first to agree that I still struggle with this concept. No, I do not actually think I am perfect and that he is the only flawed person in the relationship. However, I see things my way and I have a really hard time when someone challenges me on this. Luckily for me, I married someone who will challenge me against this mindset at every turn. I spent years in relationships where I would end up running all over someone because they either a) didn’t think it was worth it to stand up for themselves or b) actually thought I was the one always right {yeah, I find this hard to believe, too}.
“I am right. He is wrong.”- seriously this it is an almost IMPOSSIBLE pill to swallow for me when I have to admit aloud to my spouse that I realize that I am the one being a little ridiculous. In my mind, my brain is saying “Shut it, leave it alone, stop while you’re behind”- but my mouth will absolutely not let this happen. I just keep going, trying to prove my point {even if my mind has already established that he’s the one that’s right}. I go on and on until my defenses don’t even make sense anymore. Until it is a full blown fight. Most of the time this occurs in the car. We still cringe a little when we know we have a long car ride ahead, and I will admit that I am usually the instigator here.
So, how has marriage changed this in me? trial and error. Even a year ago, I would never so openly admit my bullheaded, instigative ways. I am not perfect- and so, I have not perfected how to stop my mouth from starting fights, or my brain to ONLY think one way. But, I see my growth in the right direction- and I even admit when I am wrong… sometimes. ;) This may not seem like a very big deal to anyone else- but these are giant steps for me!
2. I don’t have to apologize.
I’m never wrong, so why would I need to apologize? Also, apologizing is giving him the upper hand, so why would I do it? - In the beginning of our marriage, this was my very own personal recipe for disaster. I even went so far as to when I didn’t get an apology, and instead just got silence, I would CONTINUE the argument until one of us were forced into false apologies. It made for some very hurtful conversations- that we would both regret later, and eventually apologize for DAYS later {despite the advice we both knew in “never go to bed angry”}.
I have learned that marriage is not a game- and the upper hand game is now void. Marriage is an equal partnership- and it is one that you both have to equally work for consistently. For the first year of living together, and even 6 months into our marriage, this was something we both struggled with. It took us quite some time to put our guards down, and learn that when we argue we have to apologize for the things we did wrong, and communicate to each other what hurts us, and what was originally bothering us. Arguments cannot fully be prevented, and as bull-headed as we both are, they will continue through our marriage, but we have truly come a long way now that we have strengthened our “argument fixer skills”.
3. I’m a good communicator.
I THOUGHT I was a good communicator- but I was 100% a very sucky communicator- and I am still learning. The most helpful thing that has helped me prevent arguments, or at least end them early, was learning my husband. Living together, and knowing your are binded together for life, forces yourself to see your spouse for who they REALLY are. Dating alone allows you to ignore some of the most important communication issues that can occur in your relationship. In dating, you are both putting your best foot forward, but in marriage you can’t always be ON- and in so, you are forced to learn how your spouse communicated, how to react to some of their social cues effectively, and how to best communicate to them. I think the absolute biggest thing here is realize that you no longer live only for your own happiness- you live for your husband’s happiness as well- and communication plays a huge role here.
I have always prided myself in talking to people- it has been a major part of every job I have ever had. But communicating to your life partner/roommate/husband/father of your child/ the man who just worked 12 hours with a sinus infection can prove to be a major challenge- especially when you’ve been chasing your son for hours, while studying for an exam and cooking and cleaning all at the same time. I’ve had to learn to pay a lot of attention to my husband, and who is he, and what he needs from me when it comes to communication. As with every section, I am still learning, but we’ve both come so far. For example, we don’t bring up bills after work at the dinner table, and we don’t bring up past arguments during a current argument. We’re building on our list of effective communication with each other. Marriage is forever- so we have lots of time to keep improving.
4. I don’t nag.
Even I can’t help but laugh a little at that statement. I nag… a lot. It is actually completely on accident.. once I get started my mouth just won’t shut. up.
In the beginning of our time living together, I was a lot worse about this. When we moved in, I wanted him to know he had a partner in the cleaning, cooking and laundry. But, then I started to hold it against him when he didn’t jump up right away to help me clean dishes, or when he continued to sit and watch tv while I folded HIS shirts. I would take that moment to explode into this frenzy of WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?! Spoiler Alert: this never ended well for either of us.
My husband works long, hard hours- and I have to really take that into consideration when thinking about what I really expect from him. At the end of the day, I see how selfish my little explosions were. He barely had 20 minutes of relaxation and here I come, storming in, ready to take his mood straight down with mine. My explosions went on for a good while, usually once every month or so. They always led to a big fight that could have been avoided in the first place. It was absolutely miserable for us, and I always regretted it right after I started it.
Learning eachothers communication ways, and being a little more considerate with my husband’s feelings has come a long way here. I know I can’t throw a tantrum when I am elbow deep in dishwashing detergent and my blood is boiling. I finally came to him when we were having a good conversation, and I voiced how I felt about being equal in the chores, and what I needed help with. He got the chance to tell me how he felt about things that bothered him, too. We both kept our attitudes light, and our defenses down- and we survived the conversation. It’s not to say that we both don’t need reminders, but that’s an easier conversation to have.
5. It’s my money. But his money is our money.
This is still a really hard thing for me to get over. My husband actually supported me in quitting my full-time job, and returning back to school to get my bachelors in nursing. So basically, he is the ONLY bread maker in the house right now (I now work part-time, but still). I used to nag him about spending money for his lunch instead of taking leftovers, in order for us to save money. From an outsider's perspective, I am sure it is super easy to see how selfish that is- seeing as he is the one that made the money in the first place.
Not only did I try to control HIS spending habits with HIS money, but if I ever had extra money (like christmas or birthday money, or part-time money) then it was automatically MINE and he had no right to voice his opinion on how to use it.
What was my logic here, you might ask? I was being selfish. That’s what. Even though I have gotten better, I still have to remind myself that we have to come together and decide as a team the best way to spend OUR money.
6. We spend enough time together.
We’re not the couple that spends every possible second together- it’s just not in us. We’re both wired to be independent and we both enjoy time to ourselves. However, we have learned that we must make it a point to spend one on one time together- whether it’s watching our favorite show or buying groceries together. We’re not always in town at the same time, so it’s important that we stay connected with each other.
I didn’t used to think this was very important. I assumed we spent enough time together, and continued to just focus on studying and everything else in my life. There were more than a couple of times that I put our relationship on the back burner unintentionally. Thank God my husband voiced how he felt about it, or I probably would have continued on like it was all hunky-dory.
Another mistake we make is assuming the time we spend together WITH our friends counts as time together as a couple. That is absolutely wrong in our case- because time spent with our friends usually means the guys hanging out in one room, and the girls chatting it up and watching the kids in another room- we get little to no actual time spent together.
Having children can pose even more difficulty in this area- because we spend hours upon hours chasing them around- and by the time everyone is fed and bathed, and the little one is put to bed, you don’t have any energy left for your spouse.- my husband doesn’t accept this as an excuse, and he shouldn’t have to. The day we said “I do”- I was making a promise, in so many words, to make my husband one of my top priorities- and I should hold myself to it.
If we haven’t spent enough time together, you can sense the disconnect between us. We’ve learned we have to have a few common interests (usually we find this in shows- because it’s pretty obvious that I won’t be turning into his next hunting partner anytime soon). We have to make one another a priority.
All in all, marriage has made me realize that it’s no longer just about me- or just about me and our son- my husband has to know that he is just as important. He needs to know that he is heard, and that I make our home a happy place that he wants to come home to. I continuously have to remind myself to put the selfish Brittany aside, and make room for new priorities. It’s very obvious that we are not perfect, and that we have a long way to go- but we are willing to work together and continue to make improvements on the foundation we’ve established so far.
I hope that this blog proves to you that couples are not always perfect, and that we are all human in our marriages. We don’t need to flaunt all of our problems and fights- but we shouldn’t feel like we have to pretend that we are absolutely flawless either!
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