Breaking my heart to let you grow.. my road to preschool

Breaking my heart to let you grow.. my road to preschool

I know many parents have experienced the emotional rollercoaster of having your child start school. To put it nicely- the experience is like crushing your own heart, while feeling like you are breaking your child’s heart, and then walking away pretending it is all just okay.

As many of you know, my son recently started preschool. I swore up and down that I would not cry. I told myself that he’d been to daycare before, and that this was just another necessary milestone- and that the only emotion I would feel would be pride. I have been wrong many times in my life- and this time is no exception.

For a couple weeks leading up to the “big day of big boy school” I kept talking about how exciting big boy school would be, how many new friends he would make, and all the fun he would have. I was pretty sure we were both drinking the koolaid, and that there was nothing to fear. The night before the “big day of big boy school” I ironed my son’s clothes, packed his lunch, and made sure he went to bed plenty early. The next morning I had his favorite breakfast waiting for him in front of the tv when I got him out of bed. I talked excitedly as we got ready, and we skipped out the door happily.

I pulled in the parking lot and still, the only emotion that I was feeling was that of excitement, and maybe some nervousness too. Carter’s eyes were darting around anxiously, but I reassured him that it would all be okay- and that I would walk him inside. We held hands and side by side we walked through the double doors, where kids and teachers are hugging and enthusiastically greeting each other. Every parent has a high pitched giddy voice that mirrors my own- because we all know if the kids know we are nervous, then they will be too! Some kids even take their teacher's hand with ease and wave goodbye to their parents with no tears.

…. This was NOT my experience. The moment someone other than “mommy” said hello, Carter looked up at me wide eyes full of fear. Tears start rolling in, and he asks the dreaded question, “Are you going to leave me?” OH. MY. GOSH. I must have read 10 articles on the “best ways to help your child adapt to preschool”, and not one of those dang articles prepared me for this question. Between the fear in his eyes, and the shakiness of his voice- I barely kept my cool. But I did what I was supposed to. I hugged him gently and told him that I didn’t want to get in the way of all the fun he was going to have with Ms. (Teacher) and all of his new friends he would be playing with.

At this point my son completely loses it. I’m still holding down the fort on my end, I’m proud to say. The teachers gave me ‘the nod’, and reassured me it would all be okay and they carried my sobbing child into the classroom as he continued to scream “MOMMY- DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!”

Somehow, I made it to the parking lot before completely breaking down.  

Now, that was my experience. Every child is different and so is every parent. I honestly do not know what is worse- having your child scream bloody murder as you walk away from them, or having your child walk away from you as if to say “thanks for all the good times, mom & dad- but it’s time to move on now.” Either way, sending our beloved children off to school and onward to their independence is a heart wrenching experience.

As I drove towards our house, wondering why I was forcing my child to feel abandoned and afraid, I think God took a little control over the radio. A very familiar tune filled my head and a soft voice filled the radio. Mariah Carey was singing “And I will always love you” right to me, and oh boy, the water works didn’t stand a chance after that.

As I sang, and cried like I’d just watched the Notebook for the first time in my life, I started listening to the words. Although the song was meant to be about breaking up, the lyrics began to unfold, and they described perfectly how I was feeling and why I was doing this in the first place- Why we as parents do things that may break our hearts just a little, in order to benefit our kids a whole lot more.

“If I should stay, I'll only be in your way

So I'll go, but I know I'll

Think of you every step of the way”

As parents, our one true goal from day to day is to do EXACTLY what is best for our children. They are our heart and soul- and while it may hurt us to do so- we have to get out of their way of growing into their independence and into becoming their own little selves. This isn’t easy, and we are literally thinking of them and their needs every. step. we. take. out the door.

“And I will always love you

I will always love you

You, my darling you, hmmm,

Bittersweet memories

That is all I'm taking with me”

This milestone is a huge one- and we don’t take it lightly. We will keep this memory in our hearts, because this is exactly what it is- a “bittersweet memory”. We take it with us, hug our child, and walk out that door.

“So, goodbye

Please, don't cry

We both know I'm not what you, you need”

We have been there for them since the moment they took their first precious little breath. We’ve made sure that they have everything they need since that very moment, and even before. They will always need us in many ways- but in this instance, they need to grow and expand their world. By putting aside our own selfish wants and needs, we are giving them what they really need at this time in their lives.

 

“And I will always love you

I will always love you

I hope life treats you kind

And I hope you have all you've dreamed of

And I wish to you, joy and happiness

But above all this, I wish you love”

No matter what age each parent decides to start school, or daycare, or preschool, or whatever you choose- we don’t do so just because we have to. We do so with the intention of letting our children expand their social skills, and open their minds to the world more than we ourselves can do. It is not easy for us, and it is not easy for them. But we know deep down, that it is for the best- and we have to keep reminding ourselves of this over, and over, and over- until it does become easier.

“And I will always love you

I will always love you

I will always love you

I will always love you

I will always love you

I, I will always love you

You, darling, I love you

Oh, I'll always, I'll always love you”

Because it really can’t be said enough. These little people will always be our babies- we still look at them the way we did when they first came into this world, and that doesn’t make this any easier. We may walk away, thinking we are letting our children believe we have left them in a strange and scary place- but we remind them a million times that we love them more than anything in this world.

This milestone will not be the only one in our children's lives that hurt our hearts just a little- I can't imagine the day I watch my son drive away for the first time without his dad or me beside him- or the day I watch him wait for his bride at the end of the aisle. But no matter the circumstance, if we know it is going to what is best for them- we do our best to hide the tears, and encourage our children to move forward.

If you've ever had to let your child do anything that made your heart ache a little inside, but you knew you had to in order to let them grow- I hope you are able to relate. Trust me, I know how you feel- and I am right there with you! :)