To the woman who just offered my child a cookie

To the woman who just offered my child a cookie.

A reflective moment on strangers trying to fix my child’s tantrums for me.

If you are a mom, nanny, aunt, grandmother, babysitter- you have experienced this. There you are, efficiently making your way down the aisle of your local grocery store- and it happens. Your child spots that toy hanging down in front of the food- expertly placed there by marketing professionals for your own shopping nightmare.

I am not perfect in these situations, so I am not going to claim to be. On the same note, while my son, who is going on 4 years old soon, is really well behaved for the most part- he has his moments. Usually these moments start when he catches sight of one of these well-displayed toys, asks for it, and gets the dreaded “No” as a response.

Sometimes, we are both lucky. He gives me his “I’m not happy about this mom” look, and we move on. However, if I have timed the shopping trip at the wrong time, and he is in any way grumpy.. then bless us both, because things are NOT going to go well from here.

So, what do I do in these situations? Most of the time I kneel in front of him, and gently explain to him how we cannot get a toy every time we see one, and how the tantrum will not get him any closer to getting the toy in question. I tell him I love him, and that I don’t want him to be upset- but that I will not tolerate the tantrum- and that if he has to continue it- then we will get up and leave immediately, without all the good snacks he’d already picked out. This is what works best for my child. This is what always worked best for me, and this is what I do for him. My son is not used to being yelled at- and the couple times I have been so upset that I did raise my voice to a yell only broke his heart and I was miserable afterwards (I am not saying I don't raise my voice to firmly get my voice across when he isn't listening- I don't YELL at him). My parents did not “spank” me, and while I do think it is effective with a lot of parents- I don’t do more than a “pop”- and it’s never effective because it’s not even hard enough to make a difference. At home, we always do time out and that works well for us too.

I want to explain how I discipline my son, because I want to make it clear that I do not let him run rampant, but I am not going to force disciplinary action on my son that other people in the world believe is the RIGHT way. This can come in many forms. I also want to make it very clear that while I have my own choice in discipline, I in no way judge others for how they discipline their children. I know that every child is different and I see nothing wrong with other ways of discipline, it just doesn’t work best for my own child. I respect other parents and I believe we should all have a mutual respect for letting us raise our own children our own way- as long as it is in a productive, healthy, safe way for the child. It still baffles me, but people seem to always want to give their two cents in some of the worst moments for a parent. I know parents all over have experienced this time and time again- and we some of us are way too polite to say what we really want to to these strangers.

As parents, we have the right to determine what works best for our children. I am open to my family or friends giving advice, as most parents would be. But in today’s society, strangers seem to think it is their right to step in and force their beliefs on us when our children are acting below what they believe to be acceptable.

When my son was two years old, we were at the river with some friends. My friend and I made a quick trip to the store with my son, and her two children. Immediately upon entering the store, he spots a giant red sucker. However, he hadn’t been listening all morning, and I was not about to reward his behavior with this giant red sucker. Boy, was he pissed. Less than two minutes after he starts huffing and puffing- a complete stranger walks up to him (not even looking at me kneeling in front of him)- and offers him a cookie. A COOKIE. She witnessed what had just happened, and chose to ignore what I was doing completely. What did she expect me to do? Say sure, no sucker- but a cookie will be just fine! So of course, his tantrum increased tenfold because I also denied him this cookie. Best shopping trip ever. Thanks, lady.

On the complete other end of the spectrum- I once had a stranger come up to me and proceed to tell me how I needed to handle my child. It was around Easter last year, and I made the rookie move of entering Wal-Mart on the wrong end of the store. Low and Behold, an aisle full of baskets filled with his favorite superheroes were displayed beautifully right in front of us. I took a deep breath, and tried to quickly correct my mistake. Too late. He wanted a basket. However, it was not Easter YET, and I was not about to spend 30.00 on the Easter basket that he was running 90 mph towards. I quickly went after him, and had to pry the fingers from those strong little fingers of his. I explained to him that we only needed a couple things, that I would tell the Easter bunny that this was the basket he wanted for Easter, and that if he could be really good, that we could pick out a special snack or sucker before we left. I was in a rush, and I did not properly calculate the severity of his disappointment. Usually, he would accept my response, and we will move on. But I seriously underestimated his love for this basket. As we moved further away from the aisle, his tantrum increased more and more and more. I should have taken him outside, because my anxiety was increasing all the people around us was not a good environment in which to calm an extremely upset toddler. I turned into the clothing aisle, and stopped the basket in the most isolated area I could find (not that it mattered, he was yelling by this point). I started to try to talk him down- but I knew it was too late. At this moment, I began to reach for him so we could get outside and talk it through and go from there.

Another thing happened at this moment. Another mother (I assume she is a mother, maybe not) came bee-bopping over to me, her three friends following behind her. She proceeded to look at my child angrily, look me up and down and say “you need to whoop your kids ***”.

I don’t think I have ever felt so many different emotions run through me at one time. My face flushed, jaw dropped, and tears filled my eyes. Thank God my son was too busy yelling to pay attention to what this woman had said.

You’re probably wondering what I did. Well, I picked him up, and walked out. I couldn’t even respond. I’m overly polite- and I was not about to let him see his mom behave in a way that I try to teach him not to. There were so many responses that could have come out of my mouth in that moment, but none of them would have been productive.

These are just my two really bad experiences, and two tantrums that I myself will never forget of my sons. However, in smaller tantrums I have dealt with the judgemental stares, sly comments (you know the ones people try to pretend they don’t want you to hear), and many more passive aggressive ways in which complete strangers respond to a toddlers and a tantrum.

As parents, we have all witnessed moments like this. If you are like me, you may be too polite to step up and tell them to step back. But, it is upsetting- and it is NOT okay, and it should not be treated as such.

So, to the stranger in the store that is witnessing my child behaving in a way that you yourself believe isn’t up to your expectations, please don’t offer them a sucker, offer me advice, or use any form of passive aggressive behavior towards me and my child that will in no way be productive towards the situation. As a parent, I know my child better than anyone- and he knows me. I do not want to teach my child that it is okay to jump in to other people’s business, and I would appreciate it if you would respect my choice in the matter. Yes, my child may be upset- but he is upset because he is learning a lesson- and it is not that if he cries I will give him what he wants, or “whoop” him because you said so. I may look upset- but it’s not because I am unable to handle the situation. It is because I am trying to calculate the best approach to teach the right lesson in this particular situation. To each their own. I’ve got this under control, I promise. So, thank you, but no thank you.