"My Facebook is full of babies." Why we don't have kids yet

"My Facebook is full of babies." 
Why we don't have kids...yet

    When my husband and I got married four years ago, we became part of a small, but growing group of our peers that were a part of that "club." Though we certainly did not get married at an extraordinarily young age, we seemed to be toward the front end of the wave of weddings that soon inundated our Facebook news feeds. Logging on to check out other couple's wedding photos and updates to see who else had found the happiness that we had was a lot of fun. We attended and were involved in beautiful weddings of our friends and family members. Sharing stories of honeymoons, anniversary trips, and the hilarious woes of adjusting to living together was a norm at functions with friends. Then, almost so slowly that it went undetected at first, our social media front pages started to evolve. Wedding updates became less frequent, replaced by chalkboards brandished with "We're expecting!," gender reveal party announcements, and posts asking for breastfeeding pump recommendations. Within just a few years, the majority of our friend's focuses had shifted from wedded bliss to parental bliss, and Tony and I hadn't even considered having children yet. How and why had things changed in other marriages and not in our own? Were we getting left behind?

     Let's back up a bit to help you get a better sense of how things work between my husband and me. Our relationship goes back 13 years when we met and became high school sweethearts.

We had a pretty typical teenage relationship; we went to prom together, spent as much time with each other as possible on the afternoons and on weekends, had dinners with each of our families on alternating nights, knew we were in love and said we would one day get married, and promptly broke up when high school ended. Attending different colleges, other relationships came and went from both of our lives without much consequence. And yet, I could never fully shake the memory of how much fun we had together and how close we had become in such a short period of time, to have it all given up in a typically high school I'll-never-speak-to-you-again breakup. One particularly quiet summer, Tony and I both found ourselves single and decided to put the past behind us and catch up as old friends.

    There was no turning back after that. We picked up right where we had left off, as if the previous four years had never happened. We found out that all the cliches about the first love never completely going away were true and were married 3 years later. I found that what set us apart from other couples was the fact that, without setting out to do so, we had sincerely become best friends. We rarely went anywhere without the other person in tow, made sure that we were friends with each other's friends, took an interest in the other's hobbies, found comfort and support in each other at the end of a long day, and made sure to put the other one first as often as possible. Our fear of missing out on the other's fun had created in us a bond that was completely fulfilling, a bond that made us a self-sufficient unit, and a bond that made moving away to two different states where we had no connections to lean on feasible. 

    We lived together in Kentucky for two and a half years, just a few hours from our closest friends and family, then just as soon as we had settled in and made a life for ourselves it seemed, we packed up what we could fit in a tiny U-Haul and moved 9 hours away from all we had known. Scared and unsure what the world had in store for us, we still remained each other's rocks and our friendship only grew stronger. We had each other, and that was all we needed. 

     But why had other couples decided, or been blessed with the realization, that something was missing? Was it because we hadn't purchased a house until three years into our marriage? Was it the changes in location and careers? Were we just not ready or not equipped to become parents? There were several days that I closed my Facebook or Instagram apps in a disgusted huff because the overwhelming amount of babies I scrolled through were making me feel like there was something wrong with us. "Why does everyone have kids already?" I asked Tony one day. He replied that he had noticed the same thing, "I guess everyone is just in a different place than we are right now." 

     'What place are we in?' I wondered. We're crazy about each other, we're closer than ever, we're happy with our careers, we're financially stable, we have everything going for us. Maybe we had it all wrong. Maybe there was no 'OK, we're ready now' feeling that we said in the past that we would wait for. Maybe deep down we weren't mentally mature enough to have kids yet. Maybe there was something physically wrong with us that we hadn't been blessed with a surprise without trying for one, because that happens to couples every day. What was going on here was a mystery to me. 

     Then a few months later, Tony and I woke up early on a Saturday morning. Faced with a few extra hours than we wouldn't normally have, had we been able to sleep in that day, we decided to head to the mountains just an hour or so away. We loaded our dog, Rusty, in the Subaru and took off for a morning hike. Our morning hike got us pretty hungry, and as we enjoyed a nice lunch outside at a quaint mountain restaurant, everything felt just right. Tony reached down to pet Rusty's head and casually asked what I wanted to do with the rest of our day. "How far is Gatlinburg from where we live?" I asked him. With a twinkle in his eye he replied, "Three hours or so, why?" "Let's go there; it's been years since we've gone." And off we went.

     We decided to make the trip the old fashioned way, and stopped to purchase a map, called a hotel on the way (rather than booking a reservation online), and arrived a few hours later with just the clothes on our backs; just two buds and their dog, ready for a spontaneous weekend getaway full of pal-ing around. As we drove back the next day it hit me: we weren't done building "just us" memories. Our time being best buddies has been so fulfilling that we haven't felt any stereotypical pull to have a baby yet. When we got Rusty a puppy friend this summer, I began to realize that the phrase "starting a family" wasn't one that ever applied to Tony and me. We were a family from the get-go, an infallible unit that expanded to include two wonderful dogs under its umbrella, and would one day swell even more with the addition of human kids. 

   

     I do understand that every couple is different and no two couples have the same reasons for or circumstances going in to having children. I have also been told by many wonderful parents that marriage is so much more full with children in it and that their lives didn't fully begin until they had their amazing kids. I've seen couples become stronger once children entered their lives, and I can certainly look forward into the future and see how ecstatically happy Tony and I will be with little ones in our home. Yes, Brittany, we really do want children, I promise. ;-) For at least this moment, however, we're just so stinkin' crazy about each other that it's not our time quite yet. For now, we've got our doggies, we've got four amazing nephews and a sweet niece, we've got wonderful parents and siblings, and most importantly we have each other. That's enough. 

    I no longer wonder if there is something wrong with our decision to have a home that at this moment has a bar instead of a dining room and an office instead of a nursery. One day I know those things will change. I no longer feel like the only one not plastering baby posts across social media, and instead scroll through them with a smile because... well,... you guys have some freaking adorable kids. 

     I also have grown to notice that we're not the only ones who have taken these first years of our marriage for ourselves. We're not the only pair that listens in amazement at a couples baby showers instead of giving advice from experience. So for those of you out there that are like us, you're not alone. We've felt the same way and understand what it's like to make the mistake of saying that you "have an announcement" at a family gathering, and getting mixed emotions when it's not the announcement that they naturally expected. We've said it too... baby pictures really do get more likes than that deliciously cold beer silhouetted by the sunset that you posted, and we don't get it either. Don't worry. You've made a great decision for the two of you. Everyone is different, and no one knows you guys as well as you know each other. You'll get there one day, and so will we. Maybe this year, maybe next year, maybe 5 years from now. For now, stay close, have fun, and take care of each other.

To the woman who just offered my child a cookie

To the woman who just offered my child a cookie.

A reflective moment on strangers trying to fix my child’s tantrums for me.

If you are a mom, nanny, aunt, grandmother, babysitter- you have experienced this. There you are, efficiently making your way down the aisle of your local grocery store- and it happens. Your child spots that toy hanging down in front of the food- expertly placed there by marketing professionals for your own shopping nightmare.

I am not perfect in these situations, so I am not going to claim to be. On the same note, while my son, who is going on 4 years old soon, is really well behaved for the most part- he has his moments. Usually these moments start when he catches sight of one of these well-displayed toys, asks for it, and gets the dreaded “No” as a response.

Sometimes, we are both lucky. He gives me his “I’m not happy about this mom” look, and we move on. However, if I have timed the shopping trip at the wrong time, and he is in any way grumpy.. then bless us both, because things are NOT going to go well from here.

So, what do I do in these situations? Most of the time I kneel in front of him, and gently explain to him how we cannot get a toy every time we see one, and how the tantrum will not get him any closer to getting the toy in question. I tell him I love him, and that I don’t want him to be upset- but that I will not tolerate the tantrum- and that if he has to continue it- then we will get up and leave immediately, without all the good snacks he’d already picked out. This is what works best for my child. This is what always worked best for me, and this is what I do for him. My son is not used to being yelled at- and the couple times I have been so upset that I did raise my voice to a yell only broke his heart and I was miserable afterwards (I am not saying I don't raise my voice to firmly get my voice across when he isn't listening- I don't YELL at him). My parents did not “spank” me, and while I do think it is effective with a lot of parents- I don’t do more than a “pop”- and it’s never effective because it’s not even hard enough to make a difference. At home, we always do time out and that works well for us too.

I want to explain how I discipline my son, because I want to make it clear that I do not let him run rampant, but I am not going to force disciplinary action on my son that other people in the world believe is the RIGHT way. This can come in many forms. I also want to make it very clear that while I have my own choice in discipline, I in no way judge others for how they discipline their children. I know that every child is different and I see nothing wrong with other ways of discipline, it just doesn’t work best for my own child. I respect other parents and I believe we should all have a mutual respect for letting us raise our own children our own way- as long as it is in a productive, healthy, safe way for the child. It still baffles me, but people seem to always want to give their two cents in some of the worst moments for a parent. I know parents all over have experienced this time and time again- and we some of us are way too polite to say what we really want to to these strangers.

As parents, we have the right to determine what works best for our children. I am open to my family or friends giving advice, as most parents would be. But in today’s society, strangers seem to think it is their right to step in and force their beliefs on us when our children are acting below what they believe to be acceptable.

When my son was two years old, we were at the river with some friends. My friend and I made a quick trip to the store with my son, and her two children. Immediately upon entering the store, he spots a giant red sucker. However, he hadn’t been listening all morning, and I was not about to reward his behavior with this giant red sucker. Boy, was he pissed. Less than two minutes after he starts huffing and puffing- a complete stranger walks up to him (not even looking at me kneeling in front of him)- and offers him a cookie. A COOKIE. She witnessed what had just happened, and chose to ignore what I was doing completely. What did she expect me to do? Say sure, no sucker- but a cookie will be just fine! So of course, his tantrum increased tenfold because I also denied him this cookie. Best shopping trip ever. Thanks, lady.

On the complete other end of the spectrum- I once had a stranger come up to me and proceed to tell me how I needed to handle my child. It was around Easter last year, and I made the rookie move of entering Wal-Mart on the wrong end of the store. Low and Behold, an aisle full of baskets filled with his favorite superheroes were displayed beautifully right in front of us. I took a deep breath, and tried to quickly correct my mistake. Too late. He wanted a basket. However, it was not Easter YET, and I was not about to spend 30.00 on the Easter basket that he was running 90 mph towards. I quickly went after him, and had to pry the fingers from those strong little fingers of his. I explained to him that we only needed a couple things, that I would tell the Easter bunny that this was the basket he wanted for Easter, and that if he could be really good, that we could pick out a special snack or sucker before we left. I was in a rush, and I did not properly calculate the severity of his disappointment. Usually, he would accept my response, and we will move on. But I seriously underestimated his love for this basket. As we moved further away from the aisle, his tantrum increased more and more and more. I should have taken him outside, because my anxiety was increasing all the people around us was not a good environment in which to calm an extremely upset toddler. I turned into the clothing aisle, and stopped the basket in the most isolated area I could find (not that it mattered, he was yelling by this point). I started to try to talk him down- but I knew it was too late. At this moment, I began to reach for him so we could get outside and talk it through and go from there.

Another thing happened at this moment. Another mother (I assume she is a mother, maybe not) came bee-bopping over to me, her three friends following behind her. She proceeded to look at my child angrily, look me up and down and say “you need to whoop your kids ***”.

I don’t think I have ever felt so many different emotions run through me at one time. My face flushed, jaw dropped, and tears filled my eyes. Thank God my son was too busy yelling to pay attention to what this woman had said.

You’re probably wondering what I did. Well, I picked him up, and walked out. I couldn’t even respond. I’m overly polite- and I was not about to let him see his mom behave in a way that I try to teach him not to. There were so many responses that could have come out of my mouth in that moment, but none of them would have been productive.

These are just my two really bad experiences, and two tantrums that I myself will never forget of my sons. However, in smaller tantrums I have dealt with the judgemental stares, sly comments (you know the ones people try to pretend they don’t want you to hear), and many more passive aggressive ways in which complete strangers respond to a toddlers and a tantrum.

As parents, we have all witnessed moments like this. If you are like me, you may be too polite to step up and tell them to step back. But, it is upsetting- and it is NOT okay, and it should not be treated as such.

So, to the stranger in the store that is witnessing my child behaving in a way that you yourself believe isn’t up to your expectations, please don’t offer them a sucker, offer me advice, or use any form of passive aggressive behavior towards me and my child that will in no way be productive towards the situation. As a parent, I know my child better than anyone- and he knows me. I do not want to teach my child that it is okay to jump in to other people’s business, and I would appreciate it if you would respect my choice in the matter. Yes, my child may be upset- but he is upset because he is learning a lesson- and it is not that if he cries I will give him what he wants, or “whoop” him because you said so. I may look upset- but it’s not because I am unable to handle the situation. It is because I am trying to calculate the best approach to teach the right lesson in this particular situation. To each their own. I’ve got this under control, I promise. So, thank you, but no thank you.